behemot

moneyyy @ 2008-06-18T23:19:00

2008-06-19T06:19:34Z

sex ruins everything.

moneyyy @ 2008-06-15T21:17:00

2008-06-16T04:17:46Z

who wants to hangout???? im in town for a few days. throw me a line niggaz

smoke marijuana, then watch this

2008-06-14T20:18:36Z

shrooms today. so down.

enfin, c'est complet!

2008-06-08T20:17:21Z

mental masturbation

2008-06-08T19:58:42Z

why would i go back to manhattan beach over the summer? what is waiting for me there? what will i do for more than a weekend? go to a party? hang out by myself, ride my brakeless machine around cars that have never seen a bike before? i dont want this school year to end, im almost getting the hang of the college thing. coming from a bubble enclosed area like MB, i have so many things new to learn and become ok with and figure out how i fit into them. its really getting me down, but at the same time is my only source of happiness. the only thing i know is that i dont know. that there are new things out there that will make me happy, that i just havent come across yet. that if i do something and expect a certain outcome, that outcome will not happen, that if i expect to find these new wonderful and happy things, i will never find them.

im trying to do that stream of consciousness thing, i dont think its working.

im going to smoke a cigarette. one sec.

ah, here we go.

im lost. at different points i thought i had gotten over this self identity crisis thing, but if anything ive just become more confused. im very confused about the state of things, and how i fit into everything thats going on around me. what is my role? what am i doing with my life? the point of college isnt going to classes. its figuring out how you fit into the world. will i ever figure it out? i was talking with some friends last night, and ive known for a long time that expectations fuck you over. if you expect something, you cant enjoy it. the best things in life, the best happiness and enjoyment is happiness that you dont expect. but if i dont expect anything, what am i living for? why do i keep going, trying to make myslef happy? you get happy when you dont try to make yourself happy. you just become happy. so if i try to become happy, i will have an expectation that the things i do will make me happy. thats why i try. if happiness occurs by chance, the only thing i can do is to keep doing things and hope that chance befalls me. but why would i keep trying if it is futile? if none of the things i try will work? they work, but its not up to me whether they work or not. i have no control over it. so if i stop trying happy things will stop happening. but if i keep trying, i will keep getting disappointed. and happy things will come every now and then. but how can i have faith in that? thats not enough to keep me going. faith in chance is pointless. an oxymoron. faith in something that you have no control over. trying to attain something that can't be attained by trying.

circular reasoning.

how the people i can see myself getting really close to, that i try to get close to, end up pushing me away. and the people im best friends with just happened. we ended up surprising eachother with an excellent friendship. but the one i tried to be close with pushed me away. why would i try? because i wont end up being close with other people if i dont try to be close with people that ill never be close with. nothing is what you expect, its quite the opposite. expectations fuck you. but without expectations, what keeps you going? that something will become of your efforts. its out of my control. trying to control something out of my control. youre not supposed to try for anything, but you have to try to achieve something. if you try for something it will let you down. surprise happiness will never let you down. even the smallest amount of happiness is the greatest thing. but if you expect a small amount of happiness, the happiness you achieve will be smaller, and is thus negated by your expectation for happiness. which isnt happiness at all.

circular reasoning.

my best friends are the trees and the stream and my bike and shell beach. they are the only things that will always give me what i want, that will never deny my expectations.

so if i dont expect to enjoy myself in manhattan beach, maybe i will? i used to think that id enjoy myself when i came back, and i didnt. i didnt expect to enjoy myself over spring break in MB, and i did. so do i go back or not? go into something i think will make me unhappy, so maybe ill get happier? once i infuse that tiny grain of hope, i will be that much less happy. if there are certain things im going back for, the other things are the ones that will make me happy. so do i go back? i have no idea whether summer here will be fun or not. where does that feeling fall on the happiness chart?

the best things in life are the ones you dont expect. the best people are the ones you thought you wouldnt like at first. if you get to know someone that seems cool, they will be less cool than they seem. its human nature? human nature is a cop out. i know its not just me, ive talked about this with so many people. people that seem happy and satisfied. deep down are they all like me? we do the things we do to distract ourselves from this. so maybe if i keep doing the things i do, i will come to terms with it. like it seems other people have. but if i expect myself to start to be more ok with these issues, i wont become more ok with them. and once i start thinking about how ok i am with them, i will become less ok with them.

ignorance is bliss.
the more you think about these things, the more you become upset about them. but the more you become ok with them. knowledge, metacognition, self knowledge, knowledge of the world around you, makes you depressed. but it is also the only thing that will make you happy. and once you reach that point of self knowledge, that point where you come to terms with everything, you can be happy and start spreading it to those around you. the ones that helped you through it and helped you get to that point. i believe the buddhists call it enlightenment. the problem with enlightenment is that it is unattainable. a concept to keep us driving, searching for higher knowledge. if you reach it, you know that you are not there yet. it broadens the spectrum of emotion. to feel the highest highs and the most insidious, depressing lows. higher knowledge causes the worst pain in the world. the most depressing existential depression. but it is also the only thing that will offer happiness. true happiness, fulfilling happiness. its that unattainable thing, because as soon as you realize you have happiness, you dont have it anymore. its that unattainable complete fufillment, complete happiness, that keeps us going. but that will never happen. it is unattainable, human nature, we always have to have something to keep us going. the thought that we could be happier than we are now. once you think "i am happy," immediately following is "i could be happier." happiness is surprising, you never know you are happy when you really are. to know that youve reached enlightenment, well, you could always reach a higher enlightenment. unattainable.

the end of these entries are always more concise than the beginnings.

im gonna go play my harmonica by the stream.

i rule, my handlebars dont.

2008-05-28T04:30:18Z

so, going down a hill slowing down to go around a turn, my handlebars snapped in half. i got new ones that look kinda dumb, but i can do way more cool tricks. come summer it will all make sense.

moneyyy @ 2008-05-21T22:14:00

2008-05-22T05:15:44Z

this shit fucking blows my mind. i will never be this good at anything in my entire life.

moneyyy @ 2008-05-19T00:39:00

2008-05-19T07:49:12Z

i talk shit on lynette sometimes. it might be habit. its more the IDEA of lynette that i talk about, you know? the way she portrays herself.

anyway, i guess its my nature to abuse the things i appreciate most. like thomas. and weed.

moneyyy @ 2008-04-30T00:53:00

2008-04-30T08:12:44Z

"the social sciences department provides a broadly based, multicultural and multidisciplinary perspective on humanity, society, the environment and development...students have an opportunity to examine the human experience from a variety of viewpoints."

im thinking about it. theres an anthro-geography minor and a human ecology concentration. both look very appealing. the thing is, a year from now, will i still be interested in this stuff? 10 years from now?
thats what scares me, i feel like i have to decide before ive stopped changing. will i ever stop changing? everyone else seems to, right around this age. im not sure if i will. everyone else does, so probably? i guess i have another year before things get REALLY serious...

mon nouveau velo des sangs

2008-03-30T03:04:59Z

shiiiiit

moneyyy @ 2008-03-11T00:56:00

2008-03-11T07:57:32Z

hes back, and i want to shit on everything

LiStEn To mY RaDiO sHoW

2008-03-09T03:35:11Z

ATTN:

for all you sillyheads that told me you would totally listen to my radio show but never did, its on an hour early tonight!

meaning that the time change makes it a little earlier, but it's still at 4 tonight (tomorrow morning?).

sooooooooooo this might be your last chance to listen to me do funny things on the air in the middle of the night, so dont pass it up foolios.

listen with realplayer here:
rtsp://129.65.35.106:8000/stream.sdp

or if you want to use quicktime you can go to:
http://kcpr.calpoly.edu/music/live.html

- The Nasty Patrol
- DJ Nasty

PS- you can request a song over AIM (kcprrequest) or you can call in-
(805) 756-5277
(805) SLO-KCPR

PPS

moneyyy @ 2008-02-23T04:11:00

2008-02-23T12:30:50Z

so, im about to buy a carbon fiber bike with sweetass components (craigslist said 1800 new) for 400 bucks. its been ridden like 10 times.

i just bought the FRAME for my new bike for 400. used. off ebay.

for any of you that dont know about bikes, lance armstrong's bike is made out of carbon fiber. mine is made out of aluminum. mine cost 800 new.

wtf, exactly at the right time. right when im about to buy some entry-level components, someone throws some 200 dollar cranks and 300 dollar wheels at me. the frame alone is at least 800; with a 150 dollar seat. at 155 grams, thats one light seat. it looks like this:

oo, makes my mouth water just looking at it. the one on my bike now is probably like 400 grams. things like this never happen to me. that is, if i can pick it up before i go back on sunday.

shiiiit. money. bikes. bikes cost money. this one doesnt. and my new bike is gonna be a looot nicer than i thought. im guessing ill end up about even financially, plus a new fixie. free bike? fuck yeah. stooooked brah.

shitty mountain bikes and cruisers cost 400 dollars...not a new racing bike.

im just excited, thats all.

the thing is, things like this never work out. i mean, it would be awesome to believe i had a ridiculous stroke of luck, but i wont believe it until the bike is in my hands. lets hope he emails me tomorrow.

moneyyy @ 2008-02-21T18:50:00

2008-02-22T02:58:04Z

i think i found my soul mate. his name is TRAXAMILLION

i bought a cd today. if any of you like realllly good bay area rap, get this cd. seriously.

need a slapper? i like how it advertises trax as a producer on the cover.

btw, hannah has met mistah f.a.b. and almost went to his house in SF.

the bay is to tight.

oh yea, traxamillion is actually legit:
"Traxamillion is responsible for helping develop the new application for the PSP called Traxxpad:Portable Studio. Traxxpad is a music application for Sony's PlayStation Portable developed by Definitive Studios and published by Eidos Interactive. It was released June 26, 2007. Traxxpad is a portable music studio featuring a sequencer, drum machine, and keyboard for the creation of music tracks. It features a library of over 1000 sound samples for use, and allows users to record their own samples using a microphone for the PSP. Traxxpad uses Real Time Interactive Sequencing Technology (or RTIST) to create patterns from samples either in real-time or a step at a time. The MELOD mode allows users to modify the pitch of samples using a keyboard-like interface. The Studio Through a Console (or STAC) mode allows users to use patterns made in RTIST and put them together. When finished, you are able to export it to a memory stick or share it with others through an ad hoc network."

-wikipedia

moneyyy @ 2008-02-18T17:13:00

2008-02-19T01:23:41Z

So i dont know if i told any of you, but for my birthday (this past sat) my rents said they would pay for half of a new bike. this is good for a few reasons:
a) i can get a really nice one without feeling bad
b) i get a new bike, because my last one got stolen
c) i didnt know much when buying my last bike, so this time i will make more informed decisions
d) my bike will cost twice as much as im paying for it (and half of that because im building it, and buying my shit used)

So i bought the frame today. the auction ended at 4:20. set me back a pretty 400 bucks, but thats better than the 1200 for the whole new bike. im estimating ending up at around 700. which means i pay 300. sounds like a summer to me.

PS

these are music vids...this one is really good. watch at least until the music starts. aphex twin

you may have seen this. kanye

moneyyy @ 2008-02-10T13:50:00

2008-02-10T22:02:20Z

Pequena Prohibida - Watch more free videos

moneyyy @ 2008-02-02T04:40:00

2008-02-02T13:01:26Z

so, a couple days ago i got a new honesty box message:

"god your so fucking cool and indie. its so indie, the way you beat women with cleats!"

?

cool dude.

but this isnt the first time ive been accused of cleat-beating. a couple weeks before that, i got the first message. due to the "reply" feature on the honesty box, i was able to converse with anonymous:

???
i heard that you like to beat women.

Ted Andreas
i always beat women. its a hobby of mine.

???
with soccer cleats? or golf cleats? it was one of the two, anyways, your a fucking asshole.

Ted Andreas
who did i hit with cleats?

???
glennie

ok, i havent talked to glennie in years (the last time i saw her we had a nice lil small talk at the library), and im preeeetty sure i didnt beat her with cleats. i think. unless it slipped my memory, then anonymous may be correct. but i dont think it did. i think i would remember something like that.

in either case, i think its kinda cool to be known as the cleat-beater. bitchez dont fuck with me. you know, they know what theyre gettin into and all that.

and, since im already known as a cleat-beater...whats to lose? why not enjoy my reputation as a cleater. i dont have golf shoes, but i should get some. good idea anon.

no but really, glennie. shes in the navy now, training hard to serve our country. i might have cleated the first woman president...who knows. maybe shell nuke my house. victims of cleating are known to hold grudges for decades. i should sent her a note, to say sorry. ill tie it to the leg of a pigeon, ive always wanted to do that.

When we pull up to the light the people all stare
four niggas in a benz with the dreadlock hair
smoke everywhere, wavin at mavericks
in the woodgrain davens with the license plate rattlin
doin what we want to hangin out the sun roof
we mental, we ignorant, boy we go dumb to
gas-break-dip, we call it yokein, do a doughnut in yo whip
we call it ghostin

moneyyy @ 2008-01-17T14:22:00

2008-01-17T22:23:49Z

Louis Armstrong created all that is good in the world. i want to be his best friend.

if i was black, thats who i would want to be, hands down. no question.

ps

wonderful

moneyyy @ 2008-01-13T10:07:00

2008-01-13T18:10:06Z

someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike

while i was drunk.

i left it laying on the street for the time it took me to walk up to the streetcorner and back. to walk hannah back. and we were pretty close.

someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike
someone stole my bike

.............................
..............................................................

who would have thought that boxed wine would get my bike stolen. motherfucking franzia.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
....................
now what? if i see someone riding my bike, there will be blood spilled. seriously. i dont think ive ever been more serious about something like that.

someone stole it

i loved that bike. and my worst fears are finally confirmed. and i doubt my parents are gonna wanna drop another 350 plus all of the extra shit i put on myself, plus all of the character and love i put into that bike. and all of my christmas presents.

depression.

moneyyy @ 2008-01-02T14:29:00

2008-01-02T22:34:24Z

shit, i leave tomorrow. i didnt even realize. weird.

i want to use my remaining hours well...but how?? i cant think of anything worthwile to do, that doesnt involve a lot of participation from other people. anyone wanna hang out?
i hope i actually do something on my last night here.....
and today? well i never have anything to do during the day either. i feel like later on ill regret not doing anything so much over break.

real end of year update in a few days, this will have to do for now

2008-01-01T04:00:03Z

IN 2007...
( ) stayed single for the whole year
(x) madeout in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
( ) had a stalker
(x) mooned someone
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) had a relationship/friendship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
( ) lost faith in love.
( ) kissed under miseltoe
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) shopped at Hollister or A&F
( ) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
( ) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) flirted shamelessly
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) barged through a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you
(x) lied about how old you were
(x) prank called someone

RANDOM
1. How many people of the opposite sex have made you cry this year?
2?

2. Have you ever broken the law?
i would never do that

3. Have you ever kissed a smoker?
um EW

4. Is it really like licking an ashtray?
i wouldnt know

5. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
white

6) Whats the weather like now?
red

7. Can you see your phone?
yes

8. Do you have any pets?
not anymore

9. What are you listening to right now?
nothing at the moment...i was listening to busta rhymes though

10. What color are your eyes?
brown motherfucker

11. What size shoe do you wear?
these things dont change from year to year

12. Have you ever been called a bitch?
who hasnt? were all bitches.

13. How about a fag?
absolutely

14. Whats your dogs name?
snoop

15. What did you do last night?
smoked pot at the guys house and watched half baked.

16. What did you do 2 days ago?
probably the same thing, but replace half baked with superbad.

17. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
ive never seen a movie

18. What holiday do you most enjoy?
halloween, because i like dressing up.

19. Which one of your siblings do you look like?
my dog

20. Do you have a new year's resolution yet?
smoke pot less? do more work? get back in shape? find better myspace surveys?

this one really blew. i probably should have previewed it a little before i did it, myspace surveys just arent what they used to be.

watch these, its worth it.

2007-12-22T02:54:59Z

in order of importance:

moneyyy @ 2007-12-15T12:29:00

2007-12-15T20:39:23Z

tomorrow, at 3:00, you are all invited to attend my eagle scout ceremony. its at the pacific school auditorium.

basically, they say good job for being an eagle, they say a bunch of shit, and each of the eagle scouts gives a speech. its bud mclellan's ceremony too, if you know him. if you want to see what scouting's all about, well this is the thing for you.

its gonna be a little lame though. but you will also hear the voice of the eagle. its beautiful.

scouting is so cool.

moneyyy @ 2007-12-14T16:29:00

2007-12-15T00:36:16Z

so, i guess the only way im ever going to get this rachel business sorted out is if i force her to talk to me. its obvious that shes never going to see me or talk to me on the phone to sort any of these things out, so im guessing im gonna have to show up after work and get her to talk to me about it then. i feel like an enormous creepball for doing this, these are the types of things i made fun of her ex about, but its beginning to look like there's no other way. shes "really busy" but she still has time to hang out with her best friend every night. this is key in my knowing that shes just bullshitting me. or shes seeing another guy. those are the only reasons i can think of for this type of conduct.

all of the options look so terrible, i dont know whats going to happen. i dont think we could ever be in a real relationship after this.

my mini freakouts slowed down for a while because i used school as a justification for why she could never see me. but now im back up to speed, her being out of school and all leaves no more excuses. tonight is the night, its all going to happen tonight. im going to force it to. this is ridiculous, and i need to sort this out so i can move on. seriously. i need to move on.

nikki burke had a good quote on her myspace today:
"it took every ounce of my will...to ask "what the fuck is wrong with you?"
tonight, people, tonight.

see you at charlies.

moneyyy @ 2007-12-10T22:37:00

2007-12-11T06:37:54Z

leaving tonight for SLO, ill be back in a couple days. call me or something, its gonna be a long drive.