behemot (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} moneyyy) wrote,@ 2007-12-03 15:59:00 |
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im on the edge. i know ive said this before, but i dont really know whats going on anymore. little things that shouldnt matter make me feel like crying. school...well, i dont do school. i do i guess, but its just going through the motions, go to class, memorize for test, forget. none of the things im doing seem to matter, and i feel like im floating in this gelatinous fluid that neither lets me move around nor stay in the same place. i suppose i feel helpless, like i cant control what i feel or what happens in the world around me. so i just sit, and wait. and almost get hit by a train. that was good, because it gave me something to think about for a couple days. now im slipping back into this pit. i guess it must have started with all of the rachel stuff, but i was already like this. i guess that must have just kicked it over the edge. past the point of no return, so now i just generally feel shitty about things. then when bad things happen that i would have been able to brush off before, they make me feel terrible and like falling asleep for a couple years.
i dont feel like editing that.
let me put it this way:
i feel shitty, but when i distract myself wiht friends or weed or having a fun night one night, i feel better. but then i always seem to return to this state of apprenhension and anxiety, and this sense of helplessness about how to make myself feel good. its all a distraction, and when left alone i feel bad. how is that supposed to make me feel? helpless, to be certain.
i dont think im clinically depressed, thats a pretty rash assumption, but i feel very fragile. i dont react to negative stimuli the way i should. and im always surprised by how good i feel when i get drunk. almost euphoric.
i guess i feel like im not making any of the right decisions. but then when i think about it, there werent really any better decisions i could have made. only bad decisions? no matter what i do, i feel bad afterwards. like this entry. stupid entry. it wont do anything, and im probably not even getting my point across.
maybe its just the futility of everything i do. like, how many deeply meaningful things can you do? that will really change how you feel? temporary solutions for a long term problem. im all mixed up actually, i dont even know whats making me feel this way. so how am i supposed to get out of it? its like putting on a lot of wrinkle cream when you really just need different skin. everything is so thin and meaningless. going through the motions, man. friends, school, eating, working, its all the same. nothing is really there. our lives consist of nothing.
damnit rachel, its so hollow. im so confused. i dont know how i feel. i dont feel, and that feels bad. but thats a feeling. but not really. ugh.
ps. this entry jumps around a lot. i dont really think i know what im talking about. i guess things are just making me feel bad. thats about it. just things. i dont know though, i think thats the main point.
edit:
i figured out the rachel thing. i hate what shes become. if shes telling the truth, and its just the meds and shell get better soon then fine. but if this is how she is now, i definitely cant go out with her. i hate it. i hate the things she does, what she says to me, and how she makes me feel. i have a lot of resentment towards her. if somehow she can convince me shes gonna change back then maybe we have a chance, but as the days go by i see less and less of a possibility of that happening. but thats just part of the issue.
i dont feel like editing that.
let me put it this way:
i feel shitty, but when i distract myself wiht friends or weed or having a fun night one night, i feel better. but then i always seem to return to this state of apprenhension and anxiety, and this sense of helplessness about how to make myself feel good. its all a distraction, and when left alone i feel bad. how is that supposed to make me feel? helpless, to be certain.
i dont think im clinically depressed, thats a pretty rash assumption, but i feel very fragile. i dont react to negative stimuli the way i should. and im always surprised by how good i feel when i get drunk. almost euphoric.
i guess i feel like im not making any of the right decisions. but then when i think about it, there werent really any better decisions i could have made. only bad decisions? no matter what i do, i feel bad afterwards. like this entry. stupid entry. it wont do anything, and im probably not even getting my point across.
maybe its just the futility of everything i do. like, how many deeply meaningful things can you do? that will really change how you feel? temporary solutions for a long term problem. im all mixed up actually, i dont even know whats making me feel this way. so how am i supposed to get out of it? its like putting on a lot of wrinkle cream when you really just need different skin. everything is so thin and meaningless. going through the motions, man. friends, school, eating, working, its all the same. nothing is really there. our lives consist of nothing.
damnit rachel, its so hollow. im so confused. i dont know how i feel. i dont feel, and that feels bad. but thats a feeling. but not really. ugh.
ps. this entry jumps around a lot. i dont really think i know what im talking about. i guess things are just making me feel bad. thats about it. just things. i dont know though, i think thats the main point.
edit:
i figured out the rachel thing. i hate what shes become. if shes telling the truth, and its just the meds and shell get better soon then fine. but if this is how she is now, i definitely cant go out with her. i hate it. i hate the things she does, what she says to me, and how she makes me feel. i have a lot of resentment towards her. if somehow she can convince me shes gonna change back then maybe we have a chance, but as the days go by i see less and less of a possibility of that happening. but thats just part of the issue.
