||[May. 7th, 2012|03:16 pm]
the goal in life is to find something that you are naturally good at, and do it for a living. that way everyone else has to try a lot harder than you while you breeze by. the difficulty is finding something that you are naturally better at, and getting people to pay you for it.|
what am i naturally good at? where do i look to? I am starting to think it may not be physics..........how am i supposed to use my skills? i always thought being well rounded was a good thing, but as my Media, Values and Society teacher once said: a jack of all trades is a master of none. graduating college is the beginning of narrowing it down, choosing one thing to dedicate it all to. choosing the one thing that i am the best at. is there even a job that will be "the perfect match"? is there a woman that will be perfect? or is a life a summation of the best we can get??????
i prefer the romanticized version, but i fear lifelong disappointment. so many things in my brain i can't keep track of them all. so many girls, so many jobs i can't have. i need some kind of voice of truth, or revalation, epipiphany or something. everything feels up in the air, i don't know where to put everything in my mind. i don't know how it all fits together. sometimes i think about god, but its basically wishful thinking that there were some sort of overall design, overall message, that it all counts for something. Everything goes on the scoreboard. conscience, god, the cosmos (HA! stupid heather) it all blurs together into this confusing, blurry arrow that points where you should go in your life. i do think about god, but it's because there is so much in my brain, things happen to me, and i don't know how to make sense of it all. what am i, what is a person, what is life and what is death? what is happiness? it's all so many chemicals but there's more there. there's meaning to what i feel. that is god. he's the extra, what i feel as i feel it, not as described by science. the feel of a feeling, not the physical description of it.
my brain is a collision of harsh reality and wistful romanticism, at this point in my life it seems like they are fighting against eachother. it's like both senses have been becoming stronger and stronger, and it's at the point where something will happen because of it. this revalation, epiphany. maybe i'll be confused for the rest of my life. i have no idea.
well, i like listening to music, so i'll do that. the things worth doing are the things that make you feel good. spilling the beans on here makes me feel good too, thanks LJ! always there for me since early high school.