| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|04:21 pm] |
I found my camera the other day after misplacing it for about a year, so decided delight you all with a virtual tour of my new room. I set it up a few days ago.
workstation:
sleepstation:
Wardrobestation:
wow, that was great. i feel like you all know me a little better.
ps. the pictures on my photobucket are hilarious. |
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| i've got the rage |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|07:21 pm] |
im angry. very angry. and it seems like im getting angrier.
im even angry at my friends, the things i thought i liked. im just angry.
for no reason? i think not. there are tons of reasons. billions of reasons. my roommates are posers, my friends are assholes, nobody listens to anyone, instead we spew out a list of all of the cool things we can do, which all plays into the sloppily constructed image that we are all trying so hard to support. no one wants to admit that we're all winging it, that when someone makes you feel little and insignificant and uncool its only because they feel that way themselves. when someone looks cool they dont feel cool. there is no such thing as cool.
ive got the rage, folks.
so much so that all i can seem to do is spit out an incoherent rant about it.
i visualize myself ending lives with blunt objects.
never something sharp, no guns, by the force of my own hand. its like i've earned it if i do it that way.
i have earned it. i deserve it.
its like ive never felt this way before. i feel like i deserve it. i feel like im finally serious about it, and now the idea has consumed me.
im finally serious.
not ending life, just causing seriuous injury. i keep thinking about it. |
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| sometimes i wonder... |
[May. 27th, 2009|06:57 pm] |
"Let me give you a little inside information about God:
God likes to watch.
He's a prankster, think about it.
He gives man instincts
He GIVES you this extraordinary gift and then what does he do?
I swear, for his own amusement
His own private, cosmic GAG REEL
He sets the rules in opposition." |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2009|02:04 am] |
I have discovered the secret to staying up all night to write an essay:
chainsmoking
ps. 420 santa cruz anyone?
im coming to MB for spring break sometime after the 21st. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|02:17 am] |
this is what i would look like if i had a mohawk:
fuck, mccain lost. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|01:27 am] |
for a while, i kind of endorsed obama because i didnt know what was going on.
then, i decided that mccain knew what he was doing.
now that i know whats going on, our country is doomed to hell. the polls might as well explode. im not voting.
PS
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|01:27 am] |
for a while, i kind of endorsed obama because i didnt know what was going on.
then, i decided that mccain was what we needed.
now that i know whats going on, our country is doomed to hell. the polls might as well explode. im not voting.
PS
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|11:19 pm] |
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sex ruins everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2008|09:17 pm] |
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who wants to hangout???? im in town for a few days. throw me a line niggaz |
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| mental masturbation |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|11:56 am] |
why would i go back to manhattan beach over the summer? what is waiting for me there? what will i do for more than a weekend? go to a party? hang out by myself, ride my brakeless machine around cars that have never seen a bike before? i dont want this school year to end, im almost getting the hang of the college thing. coming from a bubble enclosed area like MB, i have so many things new to learn and become ok with and figure out how i fit into them. its really getting me down, but at the same time is my only source of happiness. the only thing i know is that i dont know. that there are new things out there that will make me happy, that i just havent come across yet. that if i do something and expect a certain outcome, that outcome will not happen, that if i expect to find these new wonderful and happy things, i will never find them.
im trying to do that stream of consciousness thing, i dont think its working.
im going to smoke a cigarette. one sec.
ah, here we go.
im lost. at different points i thought i had gotten over this self identity crisis thing, but if anything ive just become more confused. im very confused about the state of things, and how i fit into everything thats going on around me. what is my role? what am i doing with my life? the point of college isnt going to classes. its figuring out how you fit into the world. will i ever figure it out? i was talking with some friends last night, and ive known for a long time that expectations fuck you over. if you expect something, you cant enjoy it. the best things in life, the best happiness and enjoyment is happiness that you dont expect. but if i dont expect anything, what am i living for? why do i keep going, trying to make myslef happy? you get happy when you dont try to make yourself happy. you just become happy. so if i try to become happy, i will have an expectation that the things i do will make me happy. thats why i try. if happiness occurs by chance, the only thing i can do is to keep doing things and hope that chance befalls me. but why would i keep trying if it is futile? if none of the things i try will work? they work, but its not up to me whether they work or not. i have no control over it. so if i stop trying happy things will stop happening. but if i keep trying, i will keep getting disappointed. and happy things will come every now and then. but how can i have faith in that? thats not enough to keep me going. faith in chance is pointless. an oxymoron. faith in something that you have no control over. trying to attain something that can't be attained by trying.
circular reasoning.
how the people i can see myself getting really close to, that i try to get close to, end up pushing me away. and the people im best friends with just happened. we ended up surprising eachother with an excellent friendship. but the one i tried to be close with pushed me away. why would i try? because i wont end up being close with other people if i dont try to be close with people that ill never be close with. nothing is what you expect, its quite the opposite. expectations fuck you. but without expectations, what keeps you going? that something will become of your efforts. its out of my control. trying to control something out of my control. youre not supposed to try for anything, but you have to try to achieve something. if you try for something it will let you down. surprise happiness will never let you down. even the smallest amount of happiness is the greatest thing. but if you expect a small amount of happiness, the happiness you achieve will be smaller, and is thus negated by your expectation for happiness. which isnt happiness at all.
circular reasoning.
my best friends are the trees and the stream and my bike and shell beach. they are the only things that will always give me what i want, that will never deny my expectations.
so if i dont expect to enjoy myself in manhattan beach, maybe i will? i used to think that id enjoy myself when i came back, and i didnt. i didnt expect to enjoy myself over spring break in MB, and i did. so do i go back or not? go into something i think will make me unhappy, so maybe ill get happier? once i infuse that tiny grain of hope, i will be that much less happy. if there are certain things im going back for, the other things are the ones that will make me happy. so do i go back? i have no idea whether summer here will be fun or not. where does that feeling fall on the happiness chart?
the best things in life are the ones you dont expect. the best people are the ones you thought you wouldnt like at first. if you get to know someone that seems cool, they will be less cool than they seem. its human nature? human nature is a cop out. i know its not just me, ive talked about this with so many people. people that seem happy and satisfied. deep down are they all like me? we do the things we do to distract ourselves from this. so maybe if i keep doing the things i do, i will come to terms with it. like it seems other people have. but if i expect myself to start to be more ok with these issues, i wont become more ok with them. and once i start thinking about how ok i am with them, i will become less ok with them.
ignorance is bliss.
the more you think about these things, the more you become upset about them. but the more you become ok with them. knowledge, metacognition, self knowledge, knowledge of the world around you, makes you depressed. but it is also the only thing that will make you happy. and once you reach that point of self knowledge, that point where you come to terms with everything, you can be happy and start spreading it to those around you. the ones that helped you through it and helped you get to that point. i believe the buddhists call it enlightenment. the problem with enlightenment is that it is unattainable. a concept to keep us driving, searching for higher knowledge. if you reach it, you know that you are not there yet. it broadens the spectrum of emotion. to feel the highest highs and the most insidious, depressing lows. higher knowledge causes the worst pain in the world. the most depressing existential depression. but it is also the only thing that will offer happiness. true happiness, fulfilling happiness. its that unattainable thing, because as soon as you realize you have happiness, you dont have it anymore. its that unattainable complete fufillment, complete happiness, that keeps us going. but that will never happen. it is unattainable, human nature, we always have to have something to keep us going. the thought that we could be happier than we are now. once you think "i am happy," immediately following is "i could be happier." happiness is surprising, you never know you are happy when you really are. to know that youve reached enlightenment, well, you could always reach a higher enlightenment. unattainable.
the end of these entries are always more concise than the beginnings.
im gonna go play my harmonica by the stream. |
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| i rule, my handlebars dont. |
[May. 27th, 2008|09:01 pm] |
so, going down a hill slowing down to go around a turn, my handlebars snapped in half. i got new ones that look kinda dumb, but i can do way more cool tricks. come summer it will all make sense. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2008|10:14 pm] |
this shit fucking blows my mind. i will never be this good at anything in my entire life. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2008|12:39 am] |
i talk shit on lynette sometimes. it might be habit. its more the IDEA of lynette that i talk about, you know? the way she portrays herself.
anyway, i guess its my nature to abuse the things i appreciate most. like thomas. and weed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|12:53 am] |
"the social sciences department provides a broadly based, multicultural and multidisciplinary perspective on humanity, society, the environment and development...students have an opportunity to examine the human experience from a variety of viewpoints."
im thinking about it. theres an anthro-geography minor and a human ecology concentration. both look very appealing. the thing is, a year from now, will i still be interested in this stuff? 10 years from now?
thats what scares me, i feel like i have to decide before ive stopped changing. will i ever stop changing? everyone else seems to, right around this age. im not sure if i will. everyone else does, so probably? i guess i have another year before things get REALLY serious... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2008|12:56 am] |
hes back, and i want to shit on everything |
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| LiStEn To mY RaDiO sHoW |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|07:34 pm] |
ATTN:
for all you sillyheads that told me you would totally listen to my radio show but never did, its on an hour early tonight!
meaning that the time change makes it a little earlier, but it's still at 4 tonight (tomorrow morning?).
sooooooooooo this might be your last chance to listen to me do funny things on the air in the middle of the night, so dont pass it up foolios.
listen with realplayer here:
rtsp://129.65.35.106:8000/stream.sdp
or if you want to use quicktime you can go to:
http://kcpr.calpoly.edu/music/live.html
- The Nasty Patrol
- DJ Nasty
PS- you can request a song over AIM (kcprrequest) or you can call in-
(805) 756-5277
(805) SLO-KCPR
PPS
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2008|04:11 am] |
so, im about to buy a carbon fiber bike with sweetass components (craigslist said 1800 new) for 400 bucks. its been ridden like 10 times.
i just bought the FRAME for my new bike for 400. used. off ebay.
for any of you that dont know about bikes, lance armstrong's bike is made out of carbon fiber. mine is made out of aluminum. mine cost 800 new.
wtf, exactly at the right time. right when im about to buy some entry-level components, someone throws some 200 dollar cranks and 300 dollar wheels at me. the frame alone is at least 800; with a 150 dollar seat. at 155 grams, thats one light seat. it looks like this:
oo, makes my mouth water just looking at it. the one on my bike now is probably like 400 grams. things like this never happen to me. that is, if i can pick it up before i go back on sunday.
shiiiit. money. bikes. bikes cost money. this one doesnt. and my new bike is gonna be a looot nicer than i thought. im guessing ill end up about even financially, plus a new fixie. free bike? fuck yeah. stooooked brah.
shitty mountain bikes and cruisers cost 400 dollars...not a new racing bike.
im just excited, thats all.
the thing is, things like this never work out. i mean, it would be awesome to believe i had a ridiculous stroke of luck, but i wont believe it until the bike is in my hands. lets hope he emails me tomorrow. |
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